Warning: Pull With Caution

The Club Scene. Lights, camera, music, action.

You stop me and say: 'Hi sexy, what's your name, can I get your number?'

I think, o no, here we go again...

'Off to the ladies', I say, still walking. I check myself in the mirror. You have made me feel paranoid. There must be something wrong with me.

I despair. I have just paid a small fortune to get into this er, 'classy club for the mature raver' and immediately get pulled by a smartly-dressed numpty! Don't go there, I tell myself. Appearance isn't everything.

At the bar all seems clear...

'So, where's your girlfriend tonight?'

I groan and really want to cry but decide to deal with this situation once and for all.

'I don't give my number to people I don't know', I say, ignoring the question.

Right on cue, you say: 'But I like you and want to get to know you better.'

OK, cut!

Girls, please don't insult my intelligence with absolute rubbish like that! Why O why should we have to put up with such bad behaviour?

I think out loud, how can you like me when you don't know me from Adam? I deduce that you can only like what you see. Shallow, filth, only after one thing, scream the alarm bells in my head.

And another thing, this isn't just about you checking me out. It's about whether I'm interested too. How dare you assume that I would readily offer up my sacred handset digits to you? You gotta earn those babies.

It's not rocket science. Girl-meets-girl. You know the play and already have a massive advantage. It takes-one-to-know-one, doesn't it? Apparently not.

Of course I like compliments. We all do, but not at the starting line. You're allowed to look (not letch) approvingly, but voicing your thoughts at this stage is rubbish.

Now we can talk. This will do, 'So what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?' Or even, 'Do you come here often?' Deliver dryly but do remember to laugh; it's a joke, right? Suitors must display intellect, wit and charm.

You now have my attention. The exchange begins. Look really interested in what I am saying and respond accordingly.

Lastly, listen very carefully for the right moments to do the name, number and 'you have eyes like stars' thing.

'But how?' you say.

I say, you can lead a horse to water...

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